Resolving Interpersonal Conflict
I was involved in an interpersonal conflict with a good friend from Junior College and this happened a few years ago. My friendship with Felicia (not her real name) started in year one of junior college. When I first knew her, she was a very nice, helpful and innocent girl. We were in same class and we had a group of really good friends, Amanda, Lucy, Albert, Ryan, Michael, Felicia and me (names have been changed). We even created this “joke book” to record our lame jokes and ridiculous drawings so that we could reminisce all the wonderful times we had together in the future. All of us got along very well with one another and we were very close. We did many activities together such as going out after school, bake and cook at each other house, watch movies and even organising stayovers.
In year two, Felicia was involved in a romantic relationship with one of my good friends from secondary school. He was also attending the same junior college as us. Things went well for them and they were a very sweet loving couple. After graduation, the guys went to do their national service and the girls went to the university. They were still very much in love until something happened.
One day, a friend of ours who was quite close to felicia, told me that she was going out with another guy from school and was intimately involved with him. I asked her if felicia was doing this behind my friend’s back and if she was two timing him, she said yes. I was shock and angry because she had cheated on him for another guy while my friend was kept in the dark and thought he was still attached with her. I also felt disappointed because I thought they were actually a very compatible and loving couple and I could even imagine them marrying each other.
After this incident, the friendship between us became quite awkward. This may also be due to the fact that
I don’t see her in the same light anymore and my impression of her also changed so much so that I was disgusted of her actions. She did not personally came and explained to me what had happened. I guess she knew I was unhappy and angry about the whole incident. Communication between us gradually stopped. We drifted apart and we stopped contacting each other. It got quite bad to a point that whenever there was a gathering with our group of friends, only one of us would appear. It was quite stressful for our friends and it affected everyone in the group. And this “cold war” between us lasted a long time.
Questions:
What could I have done so that the “cold war” between us was prevented?
How could this situation be salvaged?
What would you have done or felt if you were in my shoes?
Dear Andrew,
Before I start answer the questions, I would like to have a bettter understanding of the situation. I assumed your friend has not completed his national service and Felicia just started this new relationship. You heard from a close friend of Felicia that Felicia is currently intimately involved with another guy. I hereby define the term ‘intimately involved’ as starting a new relationship since you mentioned “she was two-timing him”.
How long did this incident happen? How long has Felicia been together with your friend? Have you confront Felicia as a friend? Have your friend find out about her girlfriend dating another guy?
Could it possibly be a misunderstanding for that’s only a one-sided story and have you seen for your own eyes Felicia dating another guy? Did Felicia tell to her close friend that she dating that guy instead of your friend? It could be Felicia had broken up with your friend before getting in another new relationship. How well do you understand the whole situation?
Now, I come back to your question. You asked for how to save this friendship and not whether you should tell your friend about this, right? A few questions you have to ask yourself:
1. Have you been keeping in close contact with Felicia before hearing this news? If two friends do not contact each other for some time, the quality of the friendship will deteriorate gradually and naturally, especially if the friendship was not build on a strong foundation. And this could translate to why two of you drifted apart and not contacting each other.
2. I can see that you really treasure this friendship and wish to turn things around. Do you think Felicia value you as a friend or at least still willing to meet with you and have a talk?
3. Ask her for an appointment. If she agrees, look for a suitable place. Tell her about your understanding of the situation, rationalize your worries and let her know you want to stay as friends. Do not accuse, listen to her carefully and thoughtfully. Do not jump into any conclusion until you finish listening her part of the story.
I have a different view of friendship and would like to share it with you though you may not totally agree. I would try my best to be always there for my friend even if they may not be there for me when I need them if you considered them as your friend deep down in your heart. I believe in everyone come to our life for a season and a reason. When the season is over or the reason is no longer valid, this person will leave us. Therefore, to me there’s no ever-lasting friendship unless the two still hold. Life still goes on, however the past will be always in my beautiful memories. Do hope this friend all the best in his/her life.
Note:
After graduation, the guys went to do their national service and the girls went to the university.
Correction: After graduation, the guy went for national service and the girl went to the university.
Wishing you all the best! Don’t feel depressed if things don’t turn out as you wished. =)
Cheers,
Jason
Hi!
Thanks for sharing this, though i have not have a similiar experience as you, but i think you must have not feel good. Firstly you kindda lost a friend and secondly, it spoilt the harmony between this big clique of yours. After reading this post, i guess, for me i will be just as angry as you feel. As much as i will see her in a different light, but then again, i guess, a good talk is needed, instead of cold war? Maybe then u dint even want to see her or talk to her, but i feel, maybe u can talk to her about the whole incident, after all, she might have some problems herself too which u might not be aware. For me, i guess i’m a much more straightforward person so i will just have a talk to her and maybe find out more?. I’m not sure if that can help but at least that’s what i will do. i think if you really wanna salvaged all this, why dont you make the first move by giving her a text message or by appearing in group gathering even though she might be there?
Hi jason,
Thanks for your lengthy comment and questions.
This whole incident lasted for about a year and a half
Sorry jason, some details are left out on purpose and I don’t think its necessary to state the details that you have asked because basically this post is about the interpersonal relationship with “felicia” and I. And I am sorry if I am not clear in some areas.
I know what was going on pretty well so it is not a one sided story.
Qns 1: Yes I was in close contact with “felicia” but being girls they tend to share more things with her girlfriends then guy friends because some things girls are not comfortable telling guys. It is also that my good friend was her boyfriend at that time and she was cheating on him.
Thanks for sharing your take on friendship but for me it doesn’t work that way for me. I think that in a friendship, it takes two to clap. For close friends, I expect them to be there for me when I am in need and vice versa. Yes, deep down in my heart I wanted to keep this friendship but I am not the kind of person who will make the first move and talk to the other person. I guess its just me. And I do agree that inevitably friends will move on at some point in our lives and we should cherish the time spent together but I think some friends are definitely made for life.
Regarding your correction, I was refering to the guys and girls in my group so I think what I have mentioned in the post was correct.
Thanks for your comments again. FYI my friend and I are good friends again.
Cheers.
Hi yongshen,
Yes indeed the harmony in the clique was spoilt. It was an unspoken issue within the clique but we all know. The guys were not very happy about the situation but it was worse for me because I was torn between my good friend and her.
I do agree that a good talk with her will help. But I think both of us probably felt that it was better for us to not talk for awhile and let the rest for a while till we are comfortable again.
Funny thing was how the friendship was restored. It was on my birthday and the rest of the clique were supposed to meet for dinner to celebrate my birthday and they decided to ask her along. I kind of suspected it but it turn out better than I thought. Although there were some awkwardness initially, but it soon disappeared. I told her separately that I was sorry and gave each other a hug. So from then on we made up and became good friends again.
Thanks for your comments! Hope I was clear in describing the conflict!
Cheers.
andrew
Dear Andrew
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel that the situation you described is very difficult to handle. I hope that none of us has to ever face this kind of situation.
I get the feeling that you might be repulsed by her for her attitude towards relationship, or you were repulsed by her for her hurting your good friend, or perhaps both.
A further complication is that you didn’t receive the info directly from her, but from a third party. There wasn’t a way for one of you to confirm if the other had known the info without asking about it explicitly. It is difficult to resolve something if neither party is sure whether the other party knows what is causing the conflict.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably ignore the info and go on as usual. First, I don’t judge people and I am, well, a little more forgiving towards people who cheat in relationships. Second, even though I have a duty to protect my good friend, I believe that most of the time, interfering with other people’s relationship may actually do more harm than good. I know that this would not be the stance you would adopt, but I just want to share what I feel.
In any case, I’m just glad that the incident got a closure. Once again, thank you for sharing your story.
Sincerely,
Ji Shen
Hi Andrew,
That is certainly an awkward position to be in. I guess first off, there was actually not much you could actually have done. It is hard to say if talking to her straight away to clarify things might help or just make it worse. I doubt there is any hard and fast rule on how long it will take before the feelings of awkwardness will go away. But as you said, it finally resolved itself and that was a definite plus point. Sometimes all it takes is just one small step in the right direction (in this case the meetup) for the situation to be resolved.
As for your 3rd question, I would go to her to clarify the issue, although I suppose it is really easier said than done. Perhaps a question to ask yourself is this, are you angry that she was two timing your friend, or are you angry because she was seeing another guy at all. Another way to put this is, would you have been as upset if she had broken up with your friend first and then gone on to date this other guy? I would have felt the same way as you, but to take the flip side, no one wants to be the villain. Was it with ill intention that she kept said friend in the dark while two timing him? I doubt it, the more likely reason was that being young and naive, she didn’t know/have the heart to break up with him and hence carrying on the facade. It may be just me, but I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt.
But at least you resolved everything eventually
-A
Thanks, Andrew, for sharing this personal experience. It must have been painful to be torn between two friends.
You have given a clear account of the scenario, and have also described the relationships between all the parties very well, setting the stage for the conflict that followed. Good job!
There are some errors which I noticed, and these appear fairly frequently in your writing:
1) The use of ‘i’. Capitalize ‘I’.
2) Capitalize the first letter for names and places.
3) Although you write in a very pleasant, and warm style, I find your writing somewhat informal in places. For example, “Then i asked her if felicia” and “This i suspect because i don’t see her.” You may be writing for your classmates, but who is to stop the Director of the Science Faculty, or your FYP Supervisor, for example to visit your blog to read what you’d written? Although this is just a hypothetical scenario, nothing is impossible. So always write to impress =)
4) Take a look at this: “And I also felt disappointed because i thought they a compatible and loving couple.” What’s missing? How can you improve this sentence?
Despite the pointed comments (and I believe I know you well enough by now to know that you will take it positively), I do like this scenario you’d posted. Thanks!
Ms. Lim
Hi Andrew,
I believe that you felt shocked and appalled at the point of time when you knew that Felicia was cheating on her boyfriend. Afterall, no one can accept the fact that their good friend is actually cheating on his/her gf/bf who happens to be their good friend too. It must have been very awkward to find out about the incident from a third party, and have no idea how to go about solving the issue.
I felt that it was a pity that you never talked to her about the incident. It might not have changed the fact that she was cheating on her bf, but at the very least, you could have heard what she had to say about it. Instead of just going straight into a cold war, wouldnt confronting her before deciding whether or not that you wanna continue befriending her sound like a better option?
I believe that if she had not dated the other guy behind your friend’s back, things wouldnt have gone the way it went. No one can alter the fact, but you could have probably found out from her the reasons for doing so and talked to her about it. Im sure that would have made a difference in your friendship.
But nonetheless, Im glad that the friendship between the 2 of you was restored. Im sure it certainly feels much better having a friend back than to lose a friend in a cold war isnt it?
Audrey